Today was a good day until somewhere around 6 PM.
At RCIA, we went over what’s going to happen at mass not this Sunday but the next (not really sure why we’re skipping a week – is anyone else?). It sounds like we’re only going to have two scrutinies instead of the three I’ve read about. After that, we discussed some of the things we’ll be facing – the candidates are preparing for their first reconciliation, we elect are mentally preparing for baptism… And then we delved into a study on this Sunday’s readings (http://www.usccb.org/nab/032711.shtml). Not a big deal, right? Enlightening?
For some reason, this is where I started to get so frustrated. I seemed like the only one in the room who wasn’t making the connection between the different readings. All the others came up with ideas about the woman’s (in the gospel reading) faith and what she knew and what Jesus was trying to say, and I didn’t understand any of it. All I got out of it was water. Water water water. Something about the water. The Israelites wanted tangible water and Jesus offered the woman living water. I was about halfway between drawing the parallel when I lost my train of thought. Everyone else was able to come up with Bible history that helped them understand the context of the readings, but I’m barely familiar with many stories in the Bible as it is. And then my friend sitting next to me fell asleep in class, and when I tried to wake her up she’d glare at me like I was waking her up to be mean.
All of a sudden, I just couldn’t do anything right. I felt hopeless. I asked God, what do you want me to get out of this? All I get is water. I see the water theme. But that is all my little brain can handle of this right now with what limited knowledge I have to work with. It was enough of a frustration at the time to make me very upset, though, and the idea of being in the middle of the desert resonated with me all too well. I’m angry, I’m sad, I feel hopeless, and a very l part of me wants to just give up and say, you know what, God? I’m hopeless. I don’t get it. I can’t read the Bible and get out of it what I’m apparently supposed to. I can’t interpret these words like a well-versed scholar like I used to be able to. All I saw was water. And in the middle of the desert, I know that isn’t enough.
And then I came home to find out that one of my cats had been locked in a room all day, abut I never closed that door. My mom never closed that door.
Something closed that door.
Something is pushing me around and frustrating and upsetting me in the middle of this desert and I don’t want that. I want to be getting ready for Easter, not feeling like Easter will never get here and that I’m stupid and can’t figure anything out. I can’t. I can’t even understand simple words on a page and find the theme.
I can’t do anything about it. I can’t fix this. I just want to cry.