We had our last RCIA meeting on Thursday.
After counting down the days for so long – the lessons until Easter, the weeks, months, long days at daycare – we are very close to the single digits.
Suddenly I realized that it isn’t about the days. It’s about the journey. It’s about learning to trust God. About realizing and understanding just what God is offering. Learning to trust him with my life here, now, and beyond. I saw this before, last year, but my vision got cloudy as I got wrapped up in the material things of life.
When I first realized just what salvation is, I asked God if this was real, if my story has a happy ending.
So much in our lives doesn’t. So much of our days seems like we’re actually quite alone in this world, no one thinks about us or cares what happens to us. We make plans for tomorrow, for summer vacation, set goals for a year or two from now. We get wrapped up in situations, jobs, relationships that maybe we want to be in. Maybe we don’t. In college I used to be terrified of graduating and not being able to find a job. Now I’m just confused — I like what I do, but is this where I should still be in five years? What plans should I be making, God? Do I need to start making plans to go back to school, or start thinking about a different career?
Not that these are the questions I should be asking him. I can look back and see how he opens up opportunities at the falling of a drop of rain. I just have trust issues. I feel like I should be able to do my part, like I should be working with God to accomplish what he wants me to do. Too focused on the future, too paranoid about “what’s next” that it’s hard to see the forest because there are so many trees in the way.
He showed me part of that big picture today, on the way to Mass. What a beautiful Sunday, warm and sunny and windy. I realized just how big this world is. Not all of this world is small town roads and highways. There are mountains and forests, deserts and oceans so huge we can’t wrap our human brains around the concept of their expanse. Little me is afraid to go anywhere outside of my comfort zone, and why? I’m afraid of not being able to get back home. I’m afraid of getting lost.
Do I not trust that God is with me wherever I go, and that he will lead me home?
When he answered my question, my Daddy said, “No, you don’t have a happy ending. You don’t have an ending. You have a happily ever after.”
Little things down here seem very, very small when you think about eternity.
And I trust that God is true to his word.