Heart Shaped Stone

a one year old baby Catholic with a Rosary and she's not afraid to use it

Worries, fears, and family April 17, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kortni @ 6:46 pm

When I first got interested in joining the Catholic Church, I told myself I wanted to see a full liturgical year before I went through RCIA. I’m glad I did (I know some people go through several years before joining) because now I know what to expect on Saturday. Sort of.

Everything last year at Easter vigil was intense — this is nothing I had ever seen before. All of the stories were still new. I didn’t quite get what Easter vigil was all about at that point. This year, I’ve already noticed myself catching more of the bits and pieces that I overlooked last year.

This is huge.

Last year, I made a point of getting to mass every day during holy week. I was off of teaching piano at the time (the public schools were on spring break and I take that week off for attendance reasons) so I could make it. This year, I’m working two jobs and spring break isn’t until the week after Easter, so I think I can make it to mass on every day except Tuesday. I want to pray the rosary every day this week — I was going to try to do this more for Lent but that just hasn’t happened with schedules and new puppies and all — and just really focus on what this week is all about. It was intense last year, just watching it from the outside, but this year… It even feels different. I feel different in so many ways it’s nearly impossible to describe just how much God has his hands in my life right now.

And then comes Saturday.

For anyone who’s new here, my mother doesn’t know that I’m going to be baptized Catholic on Saturday. She probably has a clue what’s going on, to be honest, because she’s that kind of mom, but our relationship has been pretty strained over the years and we don’t talk much. I dread breaking news of any kind to her unless I know for a fact that she’ll approve of it, especially if it’s a choice on my part. So, at 2 o’clock on Saturday, I need to be at church for rehearsal, and she informed me tonight over dinner that perhaps we’ll finish staining the deck on Easter weekend.

I’ve been praying about this (probably not as much as I should) and I don’t have any idea what to do. I know I don’t want her to find out on Saturday that this is going on, so something needs to be said during the week. She knows I went to church on Saturday night last year and didn’t make a big deal out of it, but this year when I have to be there at two, she’ll ask what for, I’ll say rehearsal, and she’ll say for what. And there, my friends, is where the proverbial bomb will have to be dropped.

I don’t think I have to tell you I’m not looking forward to this.

I can find a way out of telling the truth. I can say that I’m helping out this year, and we have to be there at two. I can say that I’m helping my best friend get ready, but two in the afternoon is kind of insanely early for that. I could say I’m helping out with an Easter egg hunt. And I would be blatantly lying about it all the way around.

I know she would appreciate being told about this sooner rather than later, and she doesn’t like to be out of the loop. Maybe this is my anxiety getting the best of me. I know I have problems with that. On the one hand, I don’t think I can handle the awkwardness if she disapproves or wants to be there (although I’m starting to question just how bad that would be), and on the other hand, I would feel very guilty if she didn’t know or found out at the last minute.

I don’t know what to do. I’m thrilled beyond belief that Saturday is almost here, but at the same time, I’m in a tunnel and I don’t know if that light at the end of it is a train or not. I have to find out one way or the other, but I won’t know until it’s too late.

Please, pray.


4 Responses to “Worries, fears, and family”

  1. vitaconsecrata Says:

    I’m very famous for imagining the worst situation possible. I worry and worry about it, and then when that situation happens the outcome is never as bad as I imagine it’s going to be.
    I have a feeling the same is happening in this case.
    You need to tell her anyway. Do it before Saturday. Don’t let the stress building up till Saturday and then have the “explosion” on Saturday when it should be the most joyous day of your life. The earlier you do it, the more time she’ll have to cool off about it (if she really does get upset about it). Whatever you do before you go in and tell her, make sure you pray and ask Him to guide you, protect you, and give you the words you need that will soften her heart the best way.
    And you never know, maybe someday she’ll be getting ready to join the Church because of your example! 🙂
    I’m praying for you hun!

    • I’ve been praying that God will open up the opportunity to tell her and let me know that’s what I’m supposed to do. It’s like Elizabeth said — how can she not know what’s going on? And every time I have an idea for how it might happen, it’s on the tip of my tongue and I lose it. I’m hoping that’s a good thing.

      I have a good feeling about it right now; I just hope that lasts. Your prayers mean the world to me. This is the one of the hardest things I’ve ever done… and really, something as joyous as this shouldn’t scare me after some of the things I’ve seen and dealt with in the past…

  2. Emily Says:

    I am soo excited for you for next week. I will be thinking of you and everyone else that will be baptized/confirmed on Saturday. I think you need to tell your mom before Saturday and be honest. That’s the best thing you can do, and you don’t want to be all anxious on Saturday when it’s supposed to be a happy day!
    I will be praying for you!!

    • All I need is an opportunity. Just one to bring it up. If she asks, I’ll tell her, and if she doesn’t, that’s alright too. I’ll even tell her that she doesn’t have to be there — after all, this really is just between me and my Father. I’m long past fearing that I’ll come off as crazy… I just can’t explain why I believe what I believe. If I did, no one would believe me. And I can tell I’m rambling because I’m anxious.

      I have a feeling something will open up; I pray I’m wise enough to know what it is when it happens.

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