I finally told my mom the (awesome) news tonight.
First, let me explain that good timing is everything, and I am terrible at that. Me, I waited until the last minute (five minutes ago) and it was less than well received. Not because of what the news was, but because of my timing.
I really should have told her earlier. I think she really wanted to know.
She’s really stressed out over getting stuff done around the house – this is pretty typical for her on a weekend. She wants to paint the rest of the railing of the deck, the contractor comes on Monday to install the breaker and wiring for the generator, and she works next weekend, so she’s going to try to go overboard with chores in an attempt to get ahead. And we haven’t even gone shopping for groceries for Easter.
When I told her I had to be at church at 1:00 tomorrow, in the middle of this laundry list of other things she needed to get done, it just stressed her out more. She was exasperated. “Why are you having to go to church so much?” “For rehearsal.” “For what?” “I’m getting baptized tomorrow night.”
Big sigh, as if to say, great. One more thing. I won’t be home to help out tomorrow. Fine, she said, go do your thing, get your shower and get ready to go. I told her I would be up early in the morning to help out – and I will if today’s sleep schedule is any indication. But after she got over that, she said, “How long have you been working on that (preparing for baptism)?”
“Not long,” I said. Biggest lie ever. More like two years. She said she would have liked to know, and all I could scrimp up was, “I just told you.” I knew if I had told the truth, she would have been mad.
So this is where fear gets me. It’s acceptance, but with disappointment. Not in me, but in how little I apparently trust my mom and feel like I can talk to her about important life stuff. Like this. I never told her I had a boyfriend when I was in tenth grade, either. She never knew about some other important relationships, either.
My friend in the infant room was right. My family would have liked to know about it…a little earlier.
I’m kind of disappointed in myself. Me of little faith. But it isn’t the end of the world.
The sky is so dark it looks black tonight.
Jesus is not here. He’s not with us. He died today. Under this darkest of dark skies, he lies in the tomb. It seems like all hope is lost. Evil has won. An innocent man was crucified today. The Son of God is dead.
We know the way the story ends. But tonight, walking through it on this side of communion, there is a palpable sorrow in the air. An emptiness. Loneliness.
I can honestly say I feel alone. I know I am guarded (and I am certain I know by whom) but a presence that was around me this week – a presence I have gotten to know and enjoy – is not there. Perhaps in hiding.
It makes me want to cry, just a little. I don’t know how I’ll sleep tonight.