I feel like I’m back in college with too much to do and keep up with and sleep is definitely not a priority. I happen to be one of those crazy people who can run on four hours of sleep a day for weeks until I burn out.
Everything fell apart on Wednesday. My best friend and I got in a huge fight over, of all the crazy things, how much I talk to her and how much I “care.” Never mind that I talk to her constantly and we’re always in touch, and I work close to 60 hours a week so it’s difficult to carve out time to hang out during the week. Whenever I do get a chance to chill, it ends up being until 10:30, get home when it’s bedtime, and never get anything done at home that I need to do. I try to live up to this definition of a good friend but I suck at it for a multitude of reasons. And everything just kind of exploded because I’m not good enough, right?
I wanted to give up. This isn’t the first time we had had this argument, but I just can’t seem to explain that I’m trying the best I can to do everything and spend time with everybody. At that time, I translated my friend’s anger at me into anger from God over how imperfect and horrible I am, and I was on the brink of saying, “This doesn’t make sense, I’m an awful person, and I don’t want Saturday to happen for me anymore. I don’t want to take part in those sacraments. If God’s mad at me, then I’m the lowest of the low and I definitely shouldn’t be there.”
That was Spy Wednesday. Apparently evil liturgical gremlins come out of the woodwork on that day and wreak havoc. I haven’t talked to anyone who didn’t have a bad day that day.
Last night I found out I’m in a tug of war between the two sides. One side tries to pull me away, tell me I’m not good enough, that everyone knows how bad I am and how much of a neglectful friend I am. It’s plenty believable. I was in a perfect position last night at mass to say, “I’m not doing this anymore. Count me out.” I was beginning to imagine what it would be like to miss Easter Vigil, and then just stop going to church completely. Obviously I wasn’t good enough for any of this.
And that’s when I heard my Father say, “Now I’m worried. We have to do something.”
I don’t know what happened, but he took over. He pushed all of those feelings of worthlessness so far away – in a split second – I can’t even figure out what logic I had going on before it happened. Something is trying to get at me and make me give up, and the two sides are pulling me apart.
As we followed Jesus into the back chapel for adoration after mass, I was told that I have a permanent guard through Saturday night. I would not make it to Saturday on my own. This is the biggest fight I’ve had to put up in my life, and I’m not equipped to handle a battle of this caliber from this perspective alone.
To complicate things further, I wasn’t able to make it home Wednesday night. After a very long conversation at my best friend’s house, I tried to go home…but there was a huge wreck on the highway that had rescue crews blocking off all four lanes of the road. I stayed at her house, then got home late from church last night… and I have plans to spend the night with her again tonight to go to church, watch a movie, do pedicures, be girly since we have to get dressed up on Saturday…
I haven’t seen my mom since Tuesday.
But I want to be a good friend, and going back on my word would be an extreme disappointment to my friend, especially since she’s starving for one-on-one attention and I am so neglectful. My mom will be mad, I haven’t pulled my weight at home this week, and moreover, I won’t have the chance to tell her I’m being baptized on Saturday. There just isn’t the time. I guess in the end that’s kind of easier on me, because now instead of trying to find a way to tell her, I simply can’t.
Why is everybody trying to rip me apart?