Heart Shaped Stone

a one year old baby Catholic with a Rosary and she's not afraid to use it

Hard battles (and stealing knives). July 20, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kortni @ 9:27 pm

My best friend struggles with depression and self-injury.

Last summer, she said some things that made me particularly uneasy. When she got upset with herself, when she and her family argued, or when she and I had an argument, she would talk about how hard it was for her to not go get one of the knives in the kitchen.

At some point, I couldn’t sleep knowing she had knives in her apartment and that they were a danger, a temptation.

So I stole her knives.

I put them in a shoebox and dumped them in the trash at my house. And that was the end of it. It became something of a laughing matter between us after that. She knows how much I care about her, because I stole her knives.

Last week, she and a friend were cooking. She didn’t have any knives to cut chicken with, so she bought a set. A nice set of three very sharp knives.

I asked her this week when she bought them, because I would really have appreciated being told there were knives in the house again.

And that upset her.

She started talking about how she’s bad because she isn’t “better” by now. Maybe if she was “good,” she said, the knives wouldn’t be a temptation. It’s all about how “bad” she is.

I tried to explain the connection between physical self harm and emotional self harm. The latter begets the former. She insisted she was bad. I tried to tell her that her psychopathic abusive family was responsible for drilling this into her. “You are not bad,” I told her. “You’re a good person fighting a hard battle.”

And this is how the devil works. He makes it personal. He makes you think it’s “your fault” and that it’s because of who you innately are. Because you were made bad, born bad, or just wrong.

And you aren’t. You were made by a crazy God who doesn’t make mistakes and who loves you to the point of death. His very own child.

I’ve learned to recognize the confusion that the strings of faulty logic bring on in my own head. I don’t try to figure it out anymore.

I run to Jesus.

We are good people fighting hard battles. Some are more vicious and personal than others. Especially after baptism. If the devil was after you before you were baptized, he’s after you even more now. He wants to ruin you. He wants to make you turn from the God who loves you madly.

The devil’s been after you since the day you were born. He knew how much of a warrior you would be for the Lord. He’s had a leg up on you for a while, but now you’re onto him. You know his tricks. You know how he tries to make you feel like you aren’t His child, or aren’t “good enough” for God because you’re “bad.”

He’s a liar.

Run to Jesus. Believe in Him.

Remember who wins here.

 

And steal your friend’s knives if you have to.

 

2 Responses to “Hard battles (and stealing knives).”

  1. You’re such a good friend.

  2. I agree with vitaconsecrata, you are a good person. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love go through such pain, but please don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of trying to be her saviour. When we take it upon ourselves to help, especially someone we know well and have journeyed with, we tend to become very involved with their pain, feel obligated to take it over. We can not and this is a trap of the Devil but also a trap of our calling. We must be very strong in our faith to Let Go And Let God, even to the point of watching someone do what ever they do over and over again.

    Her self harm is one way in which she is trying to, in her case it sounds like, gain control of herself; and because she is where she is emotionally-spiritually, she feels this is the ONLY way for her.

    You are doing the most wonderful thing for her: Reminding her that: “You were made by a crazy God who doesn’t make mistakes and who loves you to the point of death.” Please believe me when I say she does hear those words even when she doesn’t seem to; she is taking in every good thing that you are doing for her, every word, every kind generous, and good action, but the scars of her abuse may be a little thick and take time for your kindness to penetrate, and even then there is no guarantee that she will respond as you are hoping and praying. This is where you must trust the Holy Spirit and Let Go And God. If she continues or she goes deeper into depression, that is not your fault: The Saviour Trap, please do not hold yourself to impossible standards.

    God Bless you my “baby” Catholic sister in Christ.


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