Heart Shaped Stone

a one year old baby Catholic with a Rosary and she's not afraid to use it

Twenty weeks and three days. September 13, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kortni @ 8:13 pm

I don’t know about you, but my life is intense right now. Every day, every moment for the past several weeks, has been intense. Blink-and-miss-something intense. Pray hard but don’t have any words besides gibberish and “help me” when you pray.

I had choir rehearsal last Wednesday at the cathedral. What an amazingly talented group of people – this feels, musically speaking, like stepping up from middle school choir to high school honor choir. I sang with them on Sunday – a way different experience than I’m used to. I couldn’t hear anyone but my section in that cramped balcony, but I was told we sounded excellent. I trust my friends….and I miss my little small church choir all the more.

I almost knew everybody’s name when we fell apart. Now I have to start all over, and find a robe that isn’t too big for me.

And I went to confession today.

Confession is really hard when you have a hearing problem and the priest is really impatient. I have no idea what he told me… I just said “Yes, Father” to everything. And then got a ton of penance.

Maybe I really was just that bad this past month.

What’s to say my Father isn’t impatient and frustrated with me, too?

I catch myself wondering if He would…be happier with me if I were quieter, if I didn’t bother Him as much. If I tried harder not to sin and just kept to myself. If I listened to Him and kept quiet the rest of the time.

Because I am not worthy to be called His child.

I don’t even know if I’m forgiven for what I did.

But I would rather scrub the floors in His house as an orphan, too ashamed to even ask His forgiveness, than stay a day longer in a place where the Lord and his laws are not.

Why should He be mindful of me?

 

One Response to “Twenty weeks and three days.”

  1. K Says:

    Remember “conversion is the task of a moment; sanctification is the work of a lifetime.” (St. Josemaría Escrivá)

    I know how unworthiness feels. Confess even more frequently. Find another confessor if need be. Are you able to attend daily Mass? I used to attend Mass each morning and it made a significant difference in all areas of my life… I should start attending daily Mass again.

    Just stumbled upon your blog again after months. In a similar situation. A cradle Catholic who fell away and reverted back to the church about 5 years ago. Many prayers and blessings to you.🙂

    Pray incessantly!


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