I don’t know about you, but my life is intense right now. Every day, every moment for the past several weeks, has been intense. Blink-and-miss-something intense. Pray hard but don’t have any words besides gibberish and “help me” when you pray.
I had choir rehearsal last Wednesday at the cathedral. What an amazingly talented group of people – this feels, musically speaking, like stepping up from middle school choir to high school honor choir. I sang with them on Sunday – a way different experience than I’m used to. I couldn’t hear anyone but my section in that cramped balcony, but I was told we sounded excellent. I trust my friends….and I miss my little small church choir all the more.
I almost knew everybody’s name when we fell apart. Now I have to start all over, and find a robe that isn’t too big for me.
And I went to confession today.
Confession is really hard when you have a hearing problem and the priest is really impatient. I have no idea what he told me… I just said “Yes, Father” to everything. And then got a ton of penance.
Maybe I really was just that bad this past month.
What’s to say my Father isn’t impatient and frustrated with me, too?
I catch myself wondering if He would…be happier with me if I were quieter, if I didn’t bother Him as much. If I tried harder not to sin and just kept to myself. If I listened to Him and kept quiet the rest of the time.
Because I am not worthy to be called His child.
I don’t even know if I’m forgiven for what I did.
But I would rather scrub the floors in His house as an orphan, too ashamed to even ask His forgiveness, than stay a day longer in a place where the Lord and his laws are not.
Why should He be mindful of me?