Heart Shaped Stone

a one year old baby Catholic with a Rosary and she's not afraid to use it

A phone call with God October 22, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kortni @ 7:21 pm

Hi, Daddy.

I know we haven’t talked recently. I kind of messed up, and… Well, yeah, I really messed up.

I know. I realized what I had done as soon as I did it, and I was sorry. But it was pretty serious, and I knew you would be mad.

Why? Because you can’t stand stuff like that, right? You hate sin. So I just thought…

No, I didn’t try to hide it from you. I knew you had seen what I had done.

Why didn’t I come talk to you about it? Because I was scared, Daddy.

Yeah, I was scared of you.

I wasn’t sure what you might do. You might yell, or throw things, or hit me…or get rid of me…

I don’t know, Daddy. That happened when I was little because I misbehaved, so I figured if I removed myself from the equation for a while… I don’t know, you might not be as mad or something.

Well, I don’t know if you have a temper or not, Daddy.

Yeah, she used to send me to my room, too… I guess, yeah, that’s sort of where I am now.

Where I can’t hear you.

Why would you miss hearing from someone as sinful as me?

I’m sorry, I just… I don’t get it. I’m losing my patience all the time now, I’m getting angry easier… Why would you honestly want to hear from me?

I don’t know, Daddy. I don’t know if — if you can help me. I might be beyond help. Things just keep getting worse…

Okay, okay, I get it. Because I haven’t talked to you.

I know, you didn’t mean to raise your voice, you were just trying to get your point across.

I’m just kind of ashamed of myself, Father.

You still love me after all I’ve done?

I don’t know… After something happened, I usually just got more afraid of making her mad, so I learned not to talk to her any…anymore.

You really want to talk to me? Like…you want to hear from me? Why?

Wait, back up – you still love me? After what I did?

Father, that doesn’t even make sense.

Of course love is something you have to earn, and you earn it by being good…

….because I’m…me? Just because?

You won’t yell at me?

I am sorry, I really am —

Forgiven.

Yeah, that’s kind of a new word. Idea. Yeah.

I don’t think I know what it means yet, not deep down.

You won’t hurt me for what I’ve done? Or yell at me or send me to my room or get rid of me forever because of it?

How’s life been these past few days? It’s been okay… Okay, yeah, it’s kind of sucked. I haven’t been sleeping well, and I’m not hungry, and everything feels pointless…

No, that’s not much of a life.

A…abundantly.

Yeah. I remember.

I miss you, too.

Hey, Dad?

Can I come over and see you?

 

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